I imagine my husband coming home tonight: "Why, it doesn't look like you've done anything!" (Not that he'd actually say this.)

"Nothing," I imagine myself retorting rebelliously, "but rediscovering myself!" Or something similar, which feels significant----Oh, the words have come alive in my soul again!-- but sounds dumb.

Then I imagine coming home to a night where my husband did no housework, only cared for the kids and played guitar.

"Why, it doesn't look like you've done anything!" I'd say to him. (This is closer to something I might actually say.)

"Nothing," he'd retort, "but rediscovering myself!"

I'm not sure if I'd be gracious enough not to glare.

"Lovely. Now what about the dishes that are piled up, the floor that needs mopping, the family to work for? You know, real life? Where you ARE RIGHT NOW?"

I'm always stuck weighing the scales. I've found exciting clues to the puzzles of my life and happiness. The words that are in me are bursting forth in my mind, like a dancer whose feet just can't be kept still. This is something! This is me!

And yet, what practical use is it? Maybe I should've just done the dishes.

I must stop here, because it is infinitely later than I intended (every minute past the kids falling asleep is a minute of precious sleep lost) and I'm feeling melancholia seeping into the very marrow of my bones. I came to my blog looking for something but ended up whisked away on a ride in the time machine, back to a time when I had things to write about and things to say and a place to write from. Now there is nothing inward or outward to support words. From entry to entry I skimmed, laughing, crying, until I ended up abruptly here.

My stomach feels sick and my knees ache like a weary old woman.

The last part of pregnancy is sufficiently miserable as to make a woman willing-- desperate, even-- to go through childbirth to end the suffering. This is almost where I find myself.

I don't know how I went from feeling eerily good to the way I feel now. Even as of four days ago someone asked me how I was feeling and, despite being in my ninth month, I replied I felt pretty good. This pregnancy has been easy. I suspect it's how other pregnant women feel-- the kind who describe pregnancy as blissful and want to do it again. I've never been that sort, because every pregnancy symptom you can suffer from I seem to have to endure. But this round has been a piece of cake and I've felt great-- until Wednesday. Finally, the misery I've been expecting for nine months!

I've said and said and said that I didn't want this pregnancy to end. It's my last one, and besides, I'm not ready for the baby. But four days of feeling like this and ready or not, I'm ready. Let's do this thing.

The way I like to put it, the baby is due in 2-23 days. I'm pretty darn sure it'll be sooner rather than later.

Please.

I posted this in March to Facebook and MySpace but apparently overlooked Livejournal.

ANNOUNCEMENT

To those of you who encounter me these days this is glaringly obvious, but as we've never gotten around to making this announcement to anyone, here's the news: We're expecting again!

This was one of those things where though it's nearly impossible for this to be so, I am pregnant. (I'm beginning to think there is no amount of protection that will keep me from conceiving.) At first the news wasn't received exactly warmly, but upon further reflection we're happy. We're expecting a boy. We have a girl. A boy, a girl, get this baby thing over and done with all at once-- sounds good.

I am quite pregnant, with about two months one month to go. We're due in May. And yes, this should be our last child-- really really this time.

I can't feel really good about myself until I've survived something stupid.

Today was dragging the 30 gallon aquarium up the stairs to the second floor.
That's right, dragging; it was far too heavy to carry. I figured that out yesterday in Part 1, Emptying and Draining the Aquarium. I was darn glad that the floor was only a few feet below when I got that thing off the stand and the weight of it was in my arms. I was thinking, "I'm probably not supposed to be doing this, since I'm pregnant" simultaneous with "Get it to the floor just get it to the floor don't smash your fingers". It's heavier than it looks and, almost worse, is incredibly awkward to carry.

But today I decided I wanted to spray it out with a hose. I didn't want to go outside. It's too cold and I'm not even sure if we have a hose. "I'll just take it to the upstairs shower and use the sprayer head," I thought, as if yesterday's Way Too Heavy For Me discovery had never happened.

So I dragged the thing up the stairs one step at a time-- HEFT!-- the too-heavy aquarium made all the more awkward by my big pregnant belly and pregnancy fatigue. I had to sit down half-way up. I looked up behind me and saw many more steps to go, but getting it back down the stairs wasn't feasible either. You'd think such things would make me feel stupid, but instead it lights a fire of determination in me. Oh yes, I'd get it up the stairs even if I had to drag it while scooting on my butt--which is what I did, not having the strength or energy to stand.

The process:
Sit too weak and tired to go any further; contemplate the possibility of destroying the family aquarium along with my own life, the life inside me, and my toddler daughter's life as she is smashed by all that combined weight; gather strength from these fears; LIFT. Repeat.

So I made it and I got it sprayed clean, and I feel strong and fearless and accomplished. I am not, however, going to attempt to get it back down the stairs by myself. That'd just be stupid.

If anyone has Animal Crossing, please share your Friend code with me. Even my poor character is lonely!

My old blog, there's a one-arm naked man in the display case, has been restored through the efforts of an old friend. It's a piece of me that I'd thought was lost forever.

It was my first blog, circa 2002. It tells my story as a single mother of three putting myself through college, although it lasted beyond that and was updated just today. You might check it out. It has a very different (I'd dare say "better") tone than this blog.

Latest Entry

I received an email today from someone wanting a cell phone for her son; her son's was stolen and she was hoping someone might have an extra (Verizon, specifically) cell phone they could give her. "When he's with his friends or has missed the bus it puts me at ease to know that he contact me and let me know what's going on," she wrote.

Well, part of this is irritation with my experience with freecycle groups speaking, but let me just say back when I was in school, we didn't have cell phones and we were just fine. Notice I said this lady "wants" a cell phone for her son-- she doesn't need it. Back in the olden days when I was in school, if someone missed the bus they went back into their home or school or wherever they were when they missed the bus, and used the phone there if need be. When I was in school if I was out with friends and needed to make a call, any place I could possibly be (save for the woods or in a car) had a phone, and if I happened to be in a car, well, I could drive to a phone, couldn't I? And since "everyone" has a cell phone these days, can't he just borrow someone's if he's in an emergency?

On a second note, what's with clingy parents? I saw a mother this morning standing in the cold on the sidewalk with her daughter waiting for the bus. Is there a reason the girl can't wait by herself? It's not exactly inner city around here. Wait a few minutes before the bus arrives and send her out; watch her from the window if you must. Another mother I see walks her daughter home from the bus stop every day-- the bus stop being directly in front of her yard. No street crossing involved, even. The mother waits in her small yard to walk the girl from the grass to the door. For goodness sakes!

I'm sorry your son's cell phone was stolen (lost?), lady. Now you'll have to rough it like people from the nineties.

- - -

Forgive this post. It's not like I haven't considered getting a cell phone for my children so we could stay in touch when they're at their dad's. I don't mean to put down anyone who has a cell phone for their child; I do understand the ways in which it could be useful. I just don't think in average cases, especially for preteens, that a cell phone is needed.

Wow.

My daughter grabbed the stand lamp which then, being as unsteady as she is, almost fell over. Without a thought I lunged across the couch for her, saving her from falling down. In that second half of that second I realized my laptop was about to fall on the floor. I caught it in time, thank goodness. I'm a little surprised that it didn't even cross my mind remotely, for a millisecond, that I had a laptop in my lap!

I'm surprised because I adore my laptop and am very cognizant of its safety at all times; also, I usually keep a very cool head in emergencies. But when it comes to a split second decision between my daughter (who wouldn't even really have been hurt!) and my laptop, I saved her. I love her more, and that's a lot!

I decided to research just what I'll be voting on November 4.

I'm quite surprised by the very first issue, which is to amend the Missouri constitution so that English will be the language of all governmental meetings.

Wow. Is this necessary? Because it sure sounds purely--what's the word I want?--paranoid? "We don't want those damn [insert racial slur] telling us what language to speak! Why don't they just learn English?!" I could go on and on about this one, but I won't. Please, please feel free to argue why this should be passed; I'd love to hear an intelligent argument for it.

Proposed constitutional amendment #2 relates to financing stormwater control projects. I feel clueless. Anyone?

Proposition A would give more casino money to schools (sounds good) while repealing Missouri's loss limits (doesn't sound so good). Chris, how do you feel about this?

It's a weird one that sounds both for and against gambling. If passed, no one would have to show ID to get in unless they were clearly under 21 = less hassle, easier to gamble. But it would restrict the number of casinos Missouri could have and raise the casino gambling tax. Ack. Opinions?

Proposition B would create a Missouri Quality Homecare Council to "ensure the availability of quality home care services under the Medicaid program by recruiting, training, and stabilizing the home care workforce" and would cost an estimated $510,560 annually.

Proposition C would make investor-owned electric utilities generate or purchase a percentage of electricity from renewable energy sources. It's estimated to cost $395,183. Hmm. Renewable energy is good, right? Does that make this proposition a good thing?

Please, ye who are more educated and/or opinionated than I, give me your thoughts!