I imagine my husband coming home tonight: "Why, it doesn't look like you've done anything!" (Not that he'd actually say this.)

"Nothing," I imagine myself retorting rebelliously, "but rediscovering myself!" Or something similar, which feels significant----Oh, the words have come alive in my soul again!-- but sounds dumb.

Then I imagine coming home to a night where my husband did no housework, only cared for the kids and played guitar.

"Why, it doesn't look like you've done anything!" I'd say to him. (This is closer to something I might actually say.)

"Nothing," he'd retort, "but rediscovering myself!"

I'm not sure if I'd be gracious enough not to glare.

"Lovely. Now what about the dishes that are piled up, the floor that needs mopping, the family to work for? You know, real life? Where you ARE RIGHT NOW?"

I'm always stuck weighing the scales. I've found exciting clues to the puzzles of my life and happiness. The words that are in me are bursting forth in my mind, like a dancer whose feet just can't be kept still. This is something! This is me!

And yet, what practical use is it? Maybe I should've just done the dishes.

I must stop here, because it is infinitely later than I intended (every minute past the kids falling asleep is a minute of precious sleep lost) and I'm feeling melancholia seeping into the very marrow of my bones. I came to my blog looking for something but ended up whisked away on a ride in the time machine, back to a time when I had things to write about and things to say and a place to write from. Now there is nothing inward or outward to support words. From entry to entry I skimmed, laughing, crying, until I ended up abruptly here.

My stomach feels sick and my knees ache like a weary old woman.

The last part of pregnancy is sufficiently miserable as to make a woman willing-- desperate, even-- to go through childbirth to end the suffering. This is almost where I find myself.

I don't know how I went from feeling eerily good to the way I feel now. Even as of four days ago someone asked me how I was feeling and, despite being in my ninth month, I replied I felt pretty good. This pregnancy has been easy. I suspect it's how other pregnant women feel-- the kind who describe pregnancy as blissful and want to do it again. I've never been that sort, because every pregnancy symptom you can suffer from I seem to have to endure. But this round has been a piece of cake and I've felt great-- until Wednesday. Finally, the misery I've been expecting for nine months!

I've said and said and said that I didn't want this pregnancy to end. It's my last one, and besides, I'm not ready for the baby. But four days of feeling like this and ready or not, I'm ready. Let's do this thing.

The way I like to put it, the baby is due in 2-23 days. I'm pretty darn sure it'll be sooner rather than later.

Please.

I posted this in March to Facebook and MySpace but apparently overlooked Livejournal.

ANNOUNCEMENT

To those of you who encounter me these days this is glaringly obvious, but as we've never gotten around to making this announcement to anyone, here's the news: We're expecting again!

This was one of those things where though it's nearly impossible for this to be so, I am pregnant. (I'm beginning to think there is no amount of protection that will keep me from conceiving.) At first the news wasn't received exactly warmly, but upon further reflection we're happy. We're expecting a boy. We have a girl. A boy, a girl, get this baby thing over and done with all at once-- sounds good.

I am quite pregnant, with about two months one month to go. We're due in May. And yes, this should be our last child-- really really this time.

I can't feel really good about myself until I've survived something stupid.

Today was dragging the 30 gallon aquarium up the stairs to the second floor.
That's right, dragging; it was far too heavy to carry. I figured that out yesterday in Part 1, Emptying and Draining the Aquarium. I was darn glad that the floor was only a few feet below when I got that thing off the stand and the weight of it was in my arms. I was thinking, "I'm probably not supposed to be doing this, since I'm pregnant" simultaneous with "Get it to the floor just get it to the floor don't smash your fingers". It's heavier than it looks and, almost worse, is incredibly awkward to carry.

But today I decided I wanted to spray it out with a hose. I didn't want to go outside. It's too cold and I'm not even sure if we have a hose. "I'll just take it to the upstairs shower and use the sprayer head," I thought, as if yesterday's Way Too Heavy For Me discovery had never happened.

So I dragged the thing up the stairs one step at a time-- HEFT!-- the too-heavy aquarium made all the more awkward by my big pregnant belly and pregnancy fatigue. I had to sit down half-way up. I looked up behind me and saw many more steps to go, but getting it back down the stairs wasn't feasible either. You'd think such things would make me feel stupid, but instead it lights a fire of determination in me. Oh yes, I'd get it up the stairs even if I had to drag it while scooting on my butt--which is what I did, not having the strength or energy to stand.

The process:
Sit too weak and tired to go any further; contemplate the possibility of destroying the family aquarium along with my own life, the life inside me, and my toddler daughter's life as she is smashed by all that combined weight; gather strength from these fears; LIFT. Repeat.

So I made it and I got it sprayed clean, and I feel strong and fearless and accomplished. I am not, however, going to attempt to get it back down the stairs by myself. That'd just be stupid.

If anyone has Animal Crossing, please share your Friend code with me. Even my poor character is lonely!

My old blog, there's a one-arm naked man in the display case, has been restored through the efforts of an old friend. It's a piece of me that I'd thought was lost forever.

It was my first blog, circa 2002. It tells my story as a single mother of three putting myself through college, although it lasted beyond that and was updated just today. You might check it out. It has a very different (I'd dare say "better") tone than this blog.

Latest Entry

I received an email today from someone wanting a cell phone for her son; her son's was stolen and she was hoping someone might have an extra (Verizon, specifically) cell phone they could give her. "When he's with his friends or has missed the bus it puts me at ease to know that he contact me and let me know what's going on," she wrote.

Well, part of this is irritation with my experience with freecycle groups speaking, but let me just say back when I was in school, we didn't have cell phones and we were just fine. Notice I said this lady "wants" a cell phone for her son-- she doesn't need it. Back in the olden days when I was in school, if someone missed the bus they went back into their home or school or wherever they were when they missed the bus, and used the phone there if need be. When I was in school if I was out with friends and needed to make a call, any place I could possibly be (save for the woods or in a car) had a phone, and if I happened to be in a car, well, I could drive to a phone, couldn't I? And since "everyone" has a cell phone these days, can't he just borrow someone's if he's in an emergency?

On a second note, what's with clingy parents? I saw a mother this morning standing in the cold on the sidewalk with her daughter waiting for the bus. Is there a reason the girl can't wait by herself? It's not exactly inner city around here. Wait a few minutes before the bus arrives and send her out; watch her from the window if you must. Another mother I see walks her daughter home from the bus stop every day-- the bus stop being directly in front of her yard. No street crossing involved, even. The mother waits in her small yard to walk the girl from the grass to the door. For goodness sakes!

I'm sorry your son's cell phone was stolen (lost?), lady. Now you'll have to rough it like people from the nineties.

- - -

Forgive this post. It's not like I haven't considered getting a cell phone for my children so we could stay in touch when they're at their dad's. I don't mean to put down anyone who has a cell phone for their child; I do understand the ways in which it could be useful. I just don't think in average cases, especially for preteens, that a cell phone is needed.

Wow.

My daughter grabbed the stand lamp which then, being as unsteady as she is, almost fell over. Without a thought I lunged across the couch for her, saving her from falling down. In that second half of that second I realized my laptop was about to fall on the floor. I caught it in time, thank goodness. I'm a little surprised that it didn't even cross my mind remotely, for a millisecond, that I had a laptop in my lap!

I'm surprised because I adore my laptop and am very cognizant of its safety at all times; also, I usually keep a very cool head in emergencies. But when it comes to a split second decision between my daughter (who wouldn't even really have been hurt!) and my laptop, I saved her. I love her more, and that's a lot!

I decided to research just what I'll be voting on November 4.

I'm quite surprised by the very first issue, which is to amend the Missouri constitution so that English will be the language of all governmental meetings.

Wow. Is this necessary? Because it sure sounds purely--what's the word I want?--paranoid? "We don't want those damn [insert racial slur] telling us what language to speak! Why don't they just learn English?!" I could go on and on about this one, but I won't. Please, please feel free to argue why this should be passed; I'd love to hear an intelligent argument for it.

Proposed constitutional amendment #2 relates to financing stormwater control projects. I feel clueless. Anyone?

Proposition A would give more casino money to schools (sounds good) while repealing Missouri's loss limits (doesn't sound so good). Chris, how do you feel about this?

It's a weird one that sounds both for and against gambling. If passed, no one would have to show ID to get in unless they were clearly under 21 = less hassle, easier to gamble. But it would restrict the number of casinos Missouri could have and raise the casino gambling tax. Ack. Opinions?

Proposition B would create a Missouri Quality Homecare Council to "ensure the availability of quality home care services under the Medicaid program by recruiting, training, and stabilizing the home care workforce" and would cost an estimated $510,560 annually.

Proposition C would make investor-owned electric utilities generate or purchase a percentage of electricity from renewable energy sources. It's estimated to cost $395,183. Hmm. Renewable energy is good, right? Does that make this proposition a good thing?

Please, ye who are more educated and/or opinionated than I, give me your thoughts!

Did everyone see this?

Vote-Scam Fliers Target Black Neighborhoods

"Here in Philadelphia, an anonymous flier was distributed at colleges and poor neighborhoods saying that if you show up to vote, officials will be laying in wait for anyone with a foreclosure, parking tickets, or a warrant. I wonder who could be behind such an insidious flier? Let's see... they targeted college students and poor people who tend to vote... right. For the Democrats." - from the blog of Uppercase Woman

It is very common for us to relax at the end of the day around here by watching a movie. But movies are long when one is tired, so today I began thinking about television shows. The kids and I, for example, watch episodes of Lost on my computer sometimes. I thought Micah and I might want to do similarly. But we don't really watch tv, so my question is, what shows are good and worth watching? Bonus points are given to those shows which are easily available online, 'though that's not a requirement.

I've always loved doing surveys but I've done more than ever (online) lately as a hobby (yes, my life has become that dull) as well as for income. Through all these years, however, I'd only been invited to do one product testing--until now. It started with two bottles of Catalina dressing. While I was testing those I received a package of baby wipes to test. Within days, another package of baby wipes arrived, then a tube of diaper rash ointment, and a pen. I'm also expecting some sort of phone device to arrive soon.

I kid you not, five different product testings at once, and one that's supposed to be on the way.

Crazy. And fun. And it pays, too.

I am glad to know the law in Missouri has already been tested, leaving less loopholes such as arguing "I didn't intend to expose them" and "HIV isn't a deadly disease". I'm sure he'll find his own, though. He's had plenty of time to think about it.

( Read more... )

Just to refresh your memory:
(to read in whole, Google 191.677)

Prohibited acts, criminal penalties.

191.677. 1. It shall be unlawful for any individual knowingly infected with HIV to...( Read more... )

(Punishment)
Class B felony (unless the victim contracts HIV from the contact in which case it is a class A felony)
[a term of years not less than five years and not to exceed fifteen years]

(and my favorite part)

The use of condoms is not a defense.

I've been very slow to politics. Although I'm interested in almost every topic under the sun, politics was always one that couldn't keep my attention. I wished to be an informed and active citizen but wasn't.

Things are changing. I can't say that I have any money to spare, but I made my first political donation ever today.

I had to. The email I received from MoveOn.org moved me to action. Actually, it was this stupid and unfair ad that McCain is airing that blames Obama for our high gas prices! Sure, to you and I that's clearly ridiculous (This is all his fault?) but to many, a commercial serves as a source of information. If they so, it's so. And we all want to blame someone.

MoveOn.org asked for money to help air a counter commercial, and I am so infuriated by McCain's ad that I donated.

View the commercials here

I also signed a petition here: StopPainAtThePump from TrueMajority.

Here is the text from that email, in case you didn't get it:

The second quarter financial reports are in. Guess what? Exxon Mobil made more quarterly profits than any company in U.S. history at $11.7 billion dollars. That's nearly $1500 per second.

But they want even more. At a press conference yesterday, they joined the President in his never ending calls for more off shore drilling. This despite the fact that Government's own Energy Information Administration points out that oil from off shore drilling wouldn't be available for nearly a decade, and the total quantity would be an "insignificant" drop in the bucket on the world oil market.

That's why it's on us to tell Congress that a real energy policy starts by making sure Exxon and other oil companies pay their fair share.

Send a message to your Senator right now:
http://www.StopThePainAtThePump.org

This debate isn't just about dollars and cents. It's about real people whose lives are suffering while corporations continue to rake in record profits. [...] Let's put a human face on the sacrifices we're all making. Together, we can magnify our individual struggles and make Congress pay attention.

Thanks.

-Ilya

Ilya Sheyman
Online Organizer

This is still me just dipping my toe in the water, I realize, but I have hope now in new leadership and that my actions--our actions--can make a difference.

OMG! Micah said some girls approached him last night and said he should totally audition for American Idol and that they were coming through town soon. I just checked that information and they're right!! About auditions being held in Kansas City soon, I mean, but the kids and I have been enthusiastically urging Micah to audition all this AI season. "Next year," we'd all echo, but I never dreamed "next year" would be so close in time and location.

I think it's something to try once. I mean, I've watched the show since the second season so I know how very many very talented people are out there, and what a long shot it is. But Micah's massively talented, and even if he just got some exposure it would be worthwhile. Isn't it worth a shot?

Poll #1225811 Should he audition for American Idol?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 13

Should Micah audition for American Idol?

Another "I have the best husband in the world" post, but I'm not feeling well so I'll keep it factual:

( Read more... )

Meanwhile, despite wrecking his entire day, he's said not a single unpleasant word. And he's not had much more sleep than I have! How does he do it?

Note to self: Go ahead and feel like a fuddy-duddy. (You should probably feel like one for using that word anyway). Feel ridiculous over your adamance, but get thyself to bed on time. Remember that whatever you're about to do for the next few minutes is not worth the feeling of misery you'll meet in the morning.

This morning feels good. Oh wow, a night's sleep feels good. I put in my earplugs and went to bed at 11pm, and I only woke perhaps twice before 7am at which time I realized I really didn't mind opening my eyes. The feeling of desperation was gone. The bedroom looked...sunny.

Micah slept downstairs, unbeknownst to me in my blissful abandon, so that I would sleep with less interruptions. Bless him for his sacrifice! Sleep! I got sleep! I don't feel like a pile of poo this morning!

After his not-so-blissful rest (he's the one looking pooish for once) he's gotten up with me at this early hour to cook me breakfast. Sipping coffee on a cool 4th of July, watching my husband--adorable in his boxers--making an omelet at the stove while listening to music and blogging, I'm headed off to the Apple store. This is about as good as it gets, no?

It is important, before I continue, that you know that there is a long list of reasons why I am inclined to say this album is terrible: There's deep anger for the times I feel Micah put this band before his family, bitterness over what this project has cost us, indignation over the use of three other guitarists, grievances I cling to (real and perceived) endured from most everyone involved with the production of this album, the fact that I'm terribly critical when it comes to music and, notably, the fact that I haven't been a fan of country music in over a decade. Believe me, the bitterness I've accumulated since Micah agreed to be the guitarist for Tate Stevens early this year alone makes me eager to point my finger and laugh derisively at Tate's debut album, "Do What I Do".

But darn, this is a good album.

After all "this", I have to admit this is a good album. Way good. Like "practically any of these songs could top the music charts" good. As my ears listen my heart quickens with the realization that this--all this that Micah's invested so much into--really could do something. (He's always right. I should've known!)

Not that I'm disillusioned. It's the music industry, where talent doesn't guarantee success. But wow, Tate Stevens, Craig Kew, Rob Harmon, Daron Tapscott, Eric Frampton, Micah Burdick, Drew Davis-- this is impressive. Drew Davis truly must be one of the best songwriters in country music today.

"Do As I Do" is surprisingly similar to a veteran artist's best record rather than a debut effort. Despite it all, I heartily recommend this album.

It's lonely around here this morning. My kids (oldest kids?) left last night with their dad for a vacation; they're visiting my dad in Ohio. That's right--my ex-husband, his girlfriend, her son, and my children are visiting my father. I wouldn't say I'm angry, but I am a little sad and jealous because Dad will be spoiling them all--trips to amusement parks, dinners out, and all sorts of fun things that my generous dad will probably foot the bill for. I wish it were me there having fun with my family.

Micah's gone to work, and suddenly it's just me and Anneliese in a too quiet house. Things feel so empty.

It's 10:43am and I've yet to do any housework today. The dishes need to be done. Good woman, I woke up thinking about the dishes that needed to be done. But who wants to jump out of bed to such a task? Not me. I wanted to jump out of bed to a hot cup of coffee and a few minutes to check my email. So that's what I did, telling myself I'd do the dishes when I felt like it.

Have you ever heard of that old trick that to get yourself to exercise when you don't want to you should put on your tennis shoes? Or they say to just tell yourself you only have to get on the treadmill for one minute, because chances are you'll end up fully exercising. Sometimes this is how I get myself through housework. Today I trick myself thus: "I will do these chores when I feel like it, and I don't have to do them if I don't want to." Of COURSE I have to do them--who else is going to?--but this relieves my bratty mind that doesn't like being coerced. I usually end up doing the chore when I realize I actually do want clean dishes instead of piles of dirty ones. Unfortunately that moment hasn't hit me yet today.

I suppose I really do want my son's towel off the dining room floor and I'd be happier if I didn't step on crumbs near the kitchen table... Maybe I'll get off here and do a little picking up and sweeping--but only because I want to, darn it! I don't have to!